On Aug. 27, 2008, I found out I was pregnant. It was probably the scariest thing that has ever happened to me. It was not a planned pregnancy. I had just been accepted to grad school and Rob was still taking classes to become a teacher. In short, the timing wasn't right. I remember crying a lot because we weren't ready for a baby, but in the minutes after I told Rob the news, I slowly began to change my mind. Here is an excerpt from a story I wrote about the experience...
"He sat down on the floor in his button down shirt and tie. I patted the couch and told him to come sit by me, but he shook his head. He was comfortable right where he was, tearing up because he was going to become a daddy. I cried and cried some more about not being ready and that this wasn’t the right time and Rob stayed a rock. He held me and said that this was a good thing, something to be happy about and that no one had died, except that plant, he added laughing and pointed at something I hadn’t watered in days that once resembled a flower. I smiled, thinking what the perfect thing to say that was. He followed it up by adding that though this wasn’t exactly our timeline, it was something that we planned to do, it was just sooner than we thought. He then told me that I was going to be a good mom, just like my mom, and that had to be my favorite thing he has ever said to me."
We quickly got used to the idea of being a mom and a dad, reading our baby books together on the couch one Friday night. But it wasn't long before our world-to-be came crashing down. I started spotting on a Wednesday and by that Friday I had a miscarriage. It was an awful, sad experience I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy and I don't care to go into details here and now.
While the miscarriage was hell, the hardest thing about it is the next time you get pregnant. The possibility that something could go wrong consumes you. The worst part -- there's nothing you can do, except let time pass. And pray. And that's where my reasoning for the name Faith comes in. I knew it would take complete faith in God, myself and all things holy for me to be able to get through a pregnancy after such a heartwrenching experience. I knew that while I could eat everything nutritious and abide by the pregnancy books, that most of it would be out of my hands. Essentially, I knew I would need an immense amount of courage and strength, but mostly just faith to get through it without living each day in fear that I would miscarry again.
Back to the car on the night of my birthday. I had just basically recited what you read in the above paragraph to my husband before I revealed that the name I was thinking of naming our baby girl was, indeed, Faith. I thought I'd have to fight him on it since we disagreed about pretty much every other name we'd ever talked about, but I didn't. When I said the word Faith, tears welled in his eyes and he simply nodded. I was overcome with emotion. And that's how we decided what our baby girl's name should be...
To close up, Faith was baptized this past Sunday, and fittingly, the homily was all about faith. Father Dave made the point that the opposite of faith is not doubt, but fear, and I couldn't agree more. Too often, we are afraid of what might be or not be and it paralyzes us from moving forward. But if we have faith... in God, in ourselves and one another, we are able to accomplish amazing things. But it's not easy. In fact, it's quite difficult at times, especially when history and the past are not on our side. However, when we believe, when we let go of things we cannot control and most importantly, when we have faith, it leads to freedom.
So what's in a name you ask...everything.And a lot of Faith.
Here are a few more pics of the baptism...to see more, check out the album on Facebook.
|Mom, Dad and baby|
Godmothers Ramey and Rachel
Beautiful bracelet from her grandma Mac!
my beautiful, beautiful Faith~